What do I wish I knew about real love, particularly when I became interested in the opposite sex? Oh, so many things! So many things I would love to impress upon girls and women alike! I had to go through so many relationships (including marriages), so many heartbreaks, disappointments and betrayals. I considered myself a serial monogamist at one time in my life. Do you know what that means? Here is the definition from Urban Dictionary, as it is a modern day expression:
one who spends as little time as possible being single, moving from the end of one relationship to the beginning of a new relationship as quickly as possible
although the relationships in which many serial monogamists find themselves are also often short lived, the defining aspect of serial monogamy is the desire and ability to enter new relationships very quickly, thus abbreviating any period of single life during which the serial monogamist may begin to ask questions of an existential nature
Pretty much sums up the early part of my life. Unfortunately, I was completely unaware of my behavior and why I had such problems in love. I was so good at falling in love, dreaming of love, expressing love, receiving love. I, for the life of me could not understand why “the one” relationship eluded me. Now, as I am a middle aged women with this incredible vast base of experiential knowledge, I can see clearly now.
Allow me to explain what drove me to this type of behavior. Although this is normal and natural, to want to love and be loved, there are occasions when unhealthy patterns are the driving force behind that want or need. Which will lead to unhealthy relationships and connections to others.
See, for me, I had no positive identity. Growing up with the devastating effects of childhood abuse, I did not have a sense of self. I had zero self-esteem, so I had no barometer about who or what I was, who or what I wanted, or how to go about attracting and magnetizing healthy relationships to my life. I did not possess the innate sense of worthiness. Actually, I believed in my subconscious mind, (come to find out years later through massive amounts of self-help!) that I deserved terrible things in my life. When a young person experiences so many traumatizing wounds, it is natural that upon maturing into adulthood, many of those same types of relationships show up in your life. So, I attracted more abuse and betrayal to me for many years. The problem is, that even when I was not really that into the guy, or that man was abusive, or controlling, or all of the above, it would always take me some time before I could leave those negative situations. Instead, I allowed these people into my life to validate that I was worthy of love.
I was so desperate to experience love, both by giving and receiving, that I sought it outside myself. I did not know what it meant to love thyself first. I know for certain it was because I deemed myself unlovable for a very long time. That is why I allowed relationships, including marriages, into my life that were not healthy for me. I had no ability to stand up for my life, because I never knew what I wanted and deserved. I played out the victim role in relationships like a pro! I became an expert of constantly overcoming some sort of betrayal, broken heart and utter disappointment, or worse.
Then, something happened. I made the decision that I would no longer be a victim to life. I chose to change everything in my life and I was not going to go down like that! See, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease to boot, and was quite ill for numerous years. Finally, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I did not like the victim I had become. I was constantly searching outside myself for validation, strength, courage, and love. I had always been a woman of faith, which is the only way I have been able to survive through so much. I determined myself that I would create lasting change in my life.
I finally reached the point of no return. I would not continue to live this life story. I had been victimized as a child, yes! But, I was in charge of my life now and I could make different choices that were in alignment with my soul.
First, however, I had to get to know the essence of my being. The part of me that could not be changed, destroyed or cast aside. The part of me that has existed since the beginning of time. The part of me that will always be. The part of me that connects me to All That Is. The part of me where I now choose to guide my life. The part of me that is love itself. That part of me, which is the same as that part in you. And, that part of us all, connects us to the One Who Gave It To Us. It took me much too long to uncover, recover and discover that truth about me. Once I did, though, my life has been forever changed.
I no longer need the approval from others. I no longer have envy for what other people possess. I no longer need vindication from wrongdoing that occurred by the hand of others in my life. I no longer hold onto revenge. Instead, I relish the person I have become through it all. I truly like the person I am. I also love my life and seeking the mysteries of this Grand Experience.
What I wish I knew earlier in my life and what every human being needs to know about love:
- Real love is uplifting, not berating, controlling or mean
- Real love supports you in your endeavors. The person who truly loves you will support you, no matter what.
- When you are healed and can receive real love, is exactly when it will find you. That is what happened to me!
- You cannot change another person. You cannot “make” someone love you.
- The person who loves you, will show you. You will not have to beg for love.
- Real love only happens when you know who and what you really are – and you like what you see! Then you are whole, and do not need less than a whole person. You will attract your equal.
- Real love will never put you down. The person who truly loves you would be hurting themselves if they inflicted pain upon you.
- Real love is free. You are free to be yourself when that person sees you for who you are.
- Real love grows. As you grow, and your partner grows, your love will expand too.
- Real love chooses peace over conflict and being right in an argument.
- Real love will reveal the areas you need to heal in your life. It’s like holding a mirror on your thoughts, beliefs and your heart.
- Know who you are before you seek love outside yourself.
We must teach our young children that love is grand! That we are meant for love, but that we must have a strong sense of self, know what we need in love, and have an internal knowingness that true love exists and that there is enough for everyone! If all people knew there is enough love, enough partners, enough of everything for everyone, there would be no heartbreak, there would be no emptiness, there would be no competition. We would have a sense of peace in that knowingness. We would innately understand that if a person mistreated us, it is ok to let that person go. We wouldn’t be afraid for ourselves or for that person.
If you are seeking a healthy, loving, long lasting relationship, hold onto the belief, the hope and the faith that you will have your deepest heart desires. You can have what you dream of! After a life of broken relationships, I finally have “the one” in my life! Remember, know what you want so you can have it. Don’t settle for anything less. The love you dream of really exists. I wish I had known these things much earlier in my life, but certainly so glad I do now.